Counselor Spotlight - Lauren Coats, LPC, Rockwall Counseling and Wellness Owner

this week on the blog

Lauren Coats

We will be featuring our first counselor spotlight, starting with Lauren Coats, the owner of Rockwall Counseling and Wellness. We hope these counselor spotlights allow you to learn a little bit more about each of the members of the staff here at Rockwall Counseling and Wellness in the hopes that as you seek out a counselor to start your therapy journey with, you have an idea of who they are, their backgrounds, and what their passions in counseling are.

Tell us a little about your journey to becoming a counselor. Where did you go to school? What are your degrees in? Are you originally from the Rockwall area?

 I went to Texas A&M University for my undergraduate degree in Interdisciplinary Studies (Go Aggies!) and Texas A&M-Commerce for my Masters in Counseling. I am originally from Mesquite, TX and have lived in Rockwall for 15 years now!

What type of therapy are you most passionate about? Why?

I am most passionate about Affair Recovery because I love to see marriages restored after heartbreak. It is very rewarding work and I believe it impacts generations as their children are impacted by the change they see in their own parents' relationship. Another area I love working with is parents of teenagers and adolescents. As a former 6th grade teacher and a mother of four, I understand how difficult parenting this generation is and I love to provide parents with tools to enhance their relationships with their children.

If you could have any job besides the one you have now, what would you want to be doing?

I actually tell people all the time that I really am doing what I love the most! I knew when I was a teacher that it was in the right vein, but not my exact calling. Becoming a therapist and working with other therapists is the place where my talents and passion intersect.

What do you feel the biggest struggle facing your clients is?

I wholeheartedly believe that the biggest struggle facing my clientele is their own toxic thinking about themselves. Most of us talk more poorly and negatively to ourselves than to any other human. We can't even imagine telling our kids or a friend some of the mean statements we tell ourselves.

Who in your life do you most look up to? Why?

For the longest time I said Oprah...and while that's no longer my answer, I think it was because even as a teenager and young adult I loved how she seemed to ask her guests such incredible questions that cut to the core of the issue. She was a therapist of sorts and I really admired how she was able to get people to open up. I think my new answer is my mother. The older I've gotten the more appreciation I've gained for her sacrifices for me as a kid. She was always a good listener, she doesn't take herself too seriously, and I've truly never seen her offended. She loves life and I am so thankful she's my mom!

What is one piece of advice you would give your younger self?

Oh man, if I could go back to my teenage or young adult self I would tell her that she's perfectly fine to be a strong, capable woman. She spent a little too much time worrying that her strong personality and opinions would offend and thought it should be reserved for the boys and men. I'd tell her that being a woman is a gift and she should own her particular skills!

What would you say to someone who is considering starting therapy, but doesn’t know if it’s worth the time or money?

If someone is wondering if it's not worth the time or money, I'd assume they care a deep amount about the other people in their life, but maybe not themselves. I can't think of any investment that will impact your kids and family like your own personal therapy. If you want to be a better version of yourself you can be pretty certain that it will positively impact the other people in your life. If you don't think you're worth it, perhaps they are! And after therapy, I think you'll realize you were worth it all along as well.

Are you a dog person or a cat person? 

Cat person all the way! We have 2 cats and I've had so many cats in my lifetime.

Do pineapples belong on pizza? 

YES! Not always, but when I'm in the mood for them, absolutely!

What’s your favorite place to go out to eat in Rockwall? 

I have so many local favs: Zanata, Bin 303, Oar House, and Casa Mama to name a few!

What do you like to do in your free time? 

READ -- I love a good book!

What’s your favorite time of year? 

Summer for sure!

Tell us a little about your family.

I've been married to Casey for 15 years, we have 4 children -- 2 girls and 2 boys. Our youngest joined our family through adoption in 2019 and we had a blast touring her home country of China for 19 days!

What is your favorite place to visit? 

Italy! I've only been once in 2007, but had the opportunity to study abroad there for a month and fell in love. I can't wait to go back with my husband in the future!

If you could have dinner with one person, living or dead, who would it be and why? 

I think it may be Oprah!

Are you more introverted, extroverted, or a mixture of both? 

100% EXTROVERT

5 Main Differences Between Anxiety and Worry

It’s the understatement of the century to say that, “There’s plenty to worry about in today’s world.” You may even feel more like, “What is there to not worry about?” It’s likely that you occasionally feel some level of concern about your job, your marriage, your kids, the economy, your parents’ health, money, your to-do list, or any other number of things. But when does a normal level of concern become an issue that you should address with a therapist? How do you know if what you’re experiencing is a season of anxiety, an anxiety disorder, or simply a “normal” amount of worry?

First of all, if you feel like you need or want to talk with a therapist about things that weigh heavily on your mind, consider this your permission to do so. You do not have to have a diagnosed anxiety disorder to need or want to talk with someone who can help you learn about why certain things are worrying you and how best to cope with even occasional anxiety. A season of anxiety can be brought on by many different things:  a new baby, a career change, uncertainty in a relationship. If you’re going through one of these situations, you may be worried and feel overwhelmed by these feelings of concern. However, there are distinct differences between occasional anxiety, or anxiety brought on by a certain season of life and anxiety disorders.

Venn diagram showing the similarities and differences between anxiety and worry.

1. Anxiety as a disorder does not simply go away when circumstances change. It is normal for a new situation, like starting a new job, to cause worry or concern. However, with worry, this will go away once you learn the ropes and realize you are capable. In contrast, a person with an anxiety disorder might continue to feel anxious about the job, even when they are settled and doing well. They may continue to have feelings of incompetence or dread that don’t go away no matter how well things are going in reality.

2. Generalized Anxiety Disorder can have impacts on your physical health while typical levels of worry do not. According to the National Institute for Mental Health, people struggling with anxiety disorders may experience muscle aches, unexplained stomach pain, difficulty sleeping, and fatigue. While these physical problems can be caused by other health problems, if you feel they’re coupled with times of anxiety, they may be more than just normal worry. 

3. Persistent anxiety can cause you to change your behaviors. If you are struggling with anxiety, you may avoid certain situations, obsess over things that would normally not bother you, or become excessively irritable and easily angered. Anxiety impacts daily life in negative ways. These behavioral changes are a result of feeling out of control because of anxious and fearful thoughts, and they should be discussed with a counselor. 

4. Anxious thoughts that are out of control do not “go away” simply because you know the truth. Oftentimes in conversations about their thought patterns, people struggling with anxiety will say things like, “I know that my kids are safe at school, but I can’t stop feeling like something terrible is going to happen.” Or, “I know that my wife loves me, but I feel so anxious that something will go wrong.” Even if they know reality, they often dwell on hypothetical or worst case scenario outcomes. A person struggling with anxiety may not be able to control when they slip into these thought patterns and find it difficult to focus on anything else.

5. It is often difficult to identify the exact reason for anxiety because it is constant rather than circumstantial. People struggling with anxiety may not be able to tell another person exactly what is making them feel anxious. Because they experience these feelings all the time, it is difficult to identify the source. This can be frustrating for the person with anxiety as well as those who care and are trying to help. 

If you struggle with feelings of anxiety that don’t go away or impact your daily life as described above, you do not have to walk through that struggle alone. This is one reason why counseling can help greatly. Therapists, like those in our Rockwall and Heath offices, are trained in talk therapy strategies, as well as other methodologies that have been proven to help people with anxiety identify the root causes of the issue and learn strategies for coping with anxious thoughts, panic attacks, and other anxiety related problems.  And, they are ready and willing to listen and help you.

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Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

Gentle Parenting Basic

Lately online you may have seen a “new trend” in parenting that’s gotten a lot of attention. “Gentle parenting” or “responsive parenting” is not necessarily new in the sense that it’s based on child development research from over 50 years ago. However, it is making the rounds on parenting blogs, social media and other outlets. The term “gentle parenting” may conjure up scenarios in your mind of parents being bulldozed by tantrum-throwing toddlers, but in reality, it is much different than this, and if your child is struggling with tantrums, following instructions, or decision making, gentle parenting could be an approach that helps your family dynamic.

What is gentle parenting? 

According to the Cleveland Clinic, gentle parenting is a parenting style in which the goal is to raise children to be independent, respectful, and confident by focusing on empathy, respect, and healthy boundaries. Gentle parenting has three main components:  developmentally appropriate emotional coaching, prioritizing empathy over reward/punishment, and intentional parent responses. 

Gentle parenting focuses a great deal on building empathy. If your child can understand why you have certain expectations for him or her, they’re more likely to follow instructions and have a healthy respect for you, rather than obedience based only on fear. For example, if your daughter is throwing a tantrum when you need her to put on her shoes, the traditional parenting approach, or even just instinct, might be to raise your voice and say, “Put your shoes on right now! Don’t you understand we’re going to be late?!” And the truth is, your child likely doesn’t understand the anxiety it causes you to be late. Nor do they grasp that their actions, throwing a tantrum and refusing to put on shoes, is upsetting to you. They may listen to shouting or demands, but it ultimately is only a response out of fear. Gentle parenting takes more time. In the same situation, parents practicing a gentle parenting style would prepare the child ahead of time, explaining why it is important to be on time and setting clear expectations of what should happen when you get ready to leave the house. 

Gentle parenting is similar to coaching in that with a gentle approach, parents work with their children to help them identify their emotions and come up with a plan for when big feelings arise. Children are learning how to be people. Just as they must have models for how to tie their shoes, ride a bike, or throw a ball, they must also have models for how to deal with emotions. For example, if your teenager is talking back and taking a poor attitude with you, there is likely a bigger reason. Rather than matching their shouting or rude language, or simply punishing the teen, gentle parenting helps the child process his own emotions while still setting clear boundaries. It might sound something like, “I can tell that you’re really upset by whatever happened at practice today, and that’s okay. I’m going to give you some space if you’d like, and then we can talk about why you felt so overwhelmed.” Then when they’ve had time to cool down, reminding them that their emotions are not an excuse for being unkind or disrespectful and that there are consequences for when they do this.

What is gentle parenting NOT?

Gentle parenting is often mistaken for or incorrectly labeled “permissive parenting,” but gentle parenting does not excuse or allow behaviors. Rather, it helps children understand why some behaviors are not allowed. Being a “gentle parent” doesn’t mean you have to be your kid’s buddy or that you’ll have unruly children. Gentle parents still have consequences for their children. But rather than “Because I said so” type logic for punishments, parents can explain the consequence as a result of a boundary or rule violation. When parents are clear with their communication, punishments make sense to kids as a result of their own choices rather than arbitrarily decided by parents. 

Gentle parenting is also not helicopter parenting. While gentle parents do work closely with their children to help them understand and process their own emotions, they do not do this work for them. They don’t keep children from making mistakes but rather, help children realize that mistakes and failures are part of life, and that they are not defined by mistakes. 

So what if I want to become a gentler parent?

Gentle parenting is time consuming, and it does require that parents themselves be emotionally healthy and have worked to heal from past trauma that might affect the way they parent. It also requires that parents are conscientious of what triggers an unhealthy emotional response in themselves and be able to step back and interact with their children from a calm space rather than a reactive one. However, it can also strengthen relationships amongst your family members and bring more calm to your household. If you feel you need help with this or other parenting topics, check the link below to connect with one of our counselors in Rockwall or Heath who specialize in family counseling and parenting.

Cleveland Clinic Article

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Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

Reframing Rest and Resting More Effectively in 2023

You’ve likely heard and maybe even said the phrase “I’ll sleep when I’m dead!”. In a culture that emphasizes overextending ourselves as a stamp of approval, many feel tempted to view rest as unproductive and the idea of creating space to recharge brings up feelings of guilt, laziness, and dread. I often encourage my clients that rest is actually a verb. Rest is productive not only in preventing burnout and maintaining our physical health but our mental health as well. When we feel rested we are not only able to perform in our careers without teetering on the edge of burnout but show up more presently in our personal relationships with a clear mind and open heart. A practical first step in beginning a practice around rest is through daily check ins with self. This can look like asking yourself how connected you feel to yourself and others. Are there boundaries I can set to feel more peaceful? Are there items on my to-do list that can be delegated? How can I begin to ask for more support? There are 7 researched types of rest to holistically consider as you begin to make rest a goal in 2023.

Physical Rest

When we think of rest the first thing that may come to mind is sleep. Tracking your sleep can give you insight on what may need to change. A goal of mine is to track my sleep with an app and get 8 hours a night! Physical resting is defined as activities that are uplifting to the body with common examples including massages, yoga, & stretching. When I am not engaging in passive and physical rest I feel sore and groggy. My favorite form of physical rest is hammocking in nature. 

Mental Rest

We have all felt “mentally overloaded” like we have hit a wall where our brains can’t take in any new information. Incorporating mental rest looks like taking small breaks during the day in order to let our minds digest. When I was studying for my national board exam, my  program emphasized this highly so that I wouldn’t get to the test and forget everything I’d studied. We all have different schedules but incorporating mental rest in to our routines is proven to help retain more information and therefore create more productive work.

Spiritual Rest

Most of us long to feel connected to something more powerful than ourselves. We all have different ideas of spiritual rest based on our values. Spiritual rest can look like to connecting to a personal purpose or cultivating  community in whatever faith you practice.  

Social Rest

As we enter the new year it may feel tempting to fill our calendar with social obligations. Social rest can look like mindfully observing your social life and plans with curiosity. What and who am I saying yes to when I’d like to say no? How can I prioritize time for myself? Honoring our individual social batteries allows us to show up meaningfully for the social events and relationships that fill our tank rather than drain it. 

Emotional Rest

To be emotionally rested means to be in tune with our emotions and have the ability to communicate them with a safe person whether that be a friend, partner, or therapist. When we are overwhelmed and flooded it can be hard to know how we are actually feeling which can lead to avoidance of emotions as a whole. I encourage journaling to my clients as a daily practice in order to feel emotionally rested and foster awareness around their feelings.

Sensory Rest

We have all likely experienced sensory overload from the surplus of zoom meetings, to TV shows, to time spend scrolling on our phones during the day and night. When I’m experiencing sensory overload my neck feels tight and my eyes feel tired. Prioritize time away from screentime during the day, especially before bedtime, and observe if you feel a difference.  

Creative Rest

When we are too busy and not prioritizing rest it can be easy to overlook the magnificence around us. Making space for creatively resting looks like going on a mental health walk and observing your surroundings. Another form of creative rest is baking or cooking for pleasure. Ask yourself what you can do today that isn’t attached to the pressure of productivity that connects you to the creative parts of yourself.   

As we enter the new year full of new, exciting opportunities may we also ask ourselves how we can begin practicing the different types of rest in order to feel truly restored and show up as our best selves professionally and personally.  

Resources to support you:

Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey

Sacred Rest by Saundra Dalton-Smith

How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy by Jenny Odel

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Healthy Goal Setting for the New Year

We all hear tons of talk at the start of a new year about resolutions, goals, “New Year; New Me,” and a thousand other ways to “start fresh.” The New Year can bring a revived sense of purpose, a desire to set new goals or refresh old ones, or even start a new career or hobby. 

All this newness can feel so exciting, and setting and accomplishing goals has even been shown to boost overall mental health and self-worth, but for some people, it can feel daunting or even overwhelming. It can seem like just another task that must be checked off rather than an opportunity.

This mindset can be so common if you’re learning to be gracious with yourself or overcome trauma. Fear of the unknown or failure can hold you back from progress, but there are ways to take the New Year by the reins AND support your mental health goals. 

Take time to be thoughtful about your goals. They should be personal to you. It’s so easy to get swept up in a New Year and hearing others’ goals like “lose 30 pounds!” or “read 15 books!” and set similar goals for yourself, even if they’re not really what you want to accomplish in the New Year. Maybe what you really want is to develop a healthier relationship with food or to find a genre you enjoy reading. Or maybe you want to focus on gaining new skills. Whatever it is, evaluate how this goal fits you, not how you can fit into this goal.

Be as specific as you can. Goals are always more achievable when we are specific about where we’re aiming, so as you think about what you want to do in 2023, instead of “I want to be more adventurous,” think about what that means for you. Is adventure trying new foods? Or traveling independently? Because those are vastly different goals! I find that when I set vague goals, I feel directionless which makes me frustrated. Am I even getting closer to my goal? But when I have a specific, direct goal, I know what I’m trying to achieve!

Give yourself a reasonable, realistic timeframe. I know it can be tempting to say, “I’m going to lose 25 pounds in two months,” or “I will run a half-marathon this summer.” But, being realistic about your timeframe for your goals will be so much better for your mental health! Think about it. Is it really healthy or realistic to lose 25 pounds in two months? Probably not. Realistic goals are motivating, but goals with an unachievable timeline can make us want to quit.

Try to set at least one goal that will boost your mental health in some way. Often when we create goals for a new season, the things we want to accomplish can be a bit draining or demanding. However, learning a new skill, exercising, and decreasing time spent on screens and social media boost our “happy hormones” like dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. Think about how you can incorporate some of these ideas into your track for the New Year!

Start small. Do you ever write something down on your to-do list that you’ve already done, just to get the satisfaction of crossing it off? Me, too! Especially if goal-setting has been a struggle for you in the past, start with small, bite-sized goals. Breaking your larger goals down into smaller ones will give you what I call “check-mark moments” where you get the dopamine rush of checking something off your list. This will help keep you motivated to move forward towards that big, final goal!

Most importantly, be gracious with yourself. You are valuable regardless of what you achieve. Failing to reach a goal does not make you a failure; it simply means you’ll try again when you’re ready. Don’t beat yourself up over goals you’ve yet to reach. And if you do get in that negative headspace, try writing down all the ways in which you’ve succeeded. Seeing it written out always helps me to take a step back and tell myself, “You’re doing a great job.”

Bonus:  Find judgment-free accountability. Having someone to check in with about goals is so helpful to keep us on track, but only if that person is supportive, compassionate, and has our best interests at heart. If you need someone who will listen, help you work through goals, and provide encouraging, realistic feedback, click here to connect with one of our counselors!

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By Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

The Enneagram For Personal Growth

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Unless you live under a rock you have most likely heard of the Enneagram. Despite my love for all things personality related, I was a skeptic of this tool at first. After reading through the type descriptions and taking a test I came to find out that I am a Type 3. I had never felt so called out by anything in my life. The Enneagram helped me to put into words the things that I have always felt. Additionally, the Enneagram helped me realize that many of my struggles were not unique to me but to many other Type 3s out there and thus I did not feel alone. I am passionate about the enneagram not only because it leads to greater self-awareness but also because can be used to understand one’s family and friends in a deeper way which promotes healthy relationships.

While it’s popularity continues to grow, the Enneagram of Personality is an ancient study and was first created by a Christian mystic in the 4th century. The Enneagram consists of 9 basic types. Each type has lines connecting to two other numbers on the circle which show the traits they take on in stress and security. For example, because I am a Type 3 and because my lines connect to 9 and 6, I take on qualities of a 9 in disintegration and a 6 in integration. Additionally, each type has what is called a wing. While there is one dominant type, each type has a wing. The wings are the numbers on either side of your basic type that strongly influence it. For instance, because I am a Type 3 my wings would either be Type 2 or 4. My wing is Type 4 because that is the one that I relate to stronger. Each enneagram type has core needs, desires, and motivations that guide their personality. Below is each type, its name, and core need.

Type 1 – The Reformer “I need to be perfect”

Type 2 – The Helper “I need to be needed”

Type 3 – The achiever “I need to feel valuable”

Type 4 – The Individualist “I need to be unique

Type 5 – The Investigator “I need to be competent”

Type 6 – The Loyalist “I need to be secure”

Type 7 – The Enthusiast “I need to be happy”

Type 8 – The Challenger “I need to be strong”

Type 9 – The Peacemaker “I need to be at peace”

The Enneagram is helpful to personal growth in a number of ways. Unlike many personality tests that mainly focus on traits and behavior, the enneagram points out the motivations behind those said traits and behaviors. The Enneagram has helped me to unlearn many of the things that I believed and can do the same for you as well! Change your life today by taking these practical steps in self-awareness.

Written By: Arlee Grace Pryor

Instagram: @arleegrace

Email: arleegrace@gmail.com

It Starts With Fear

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Your heart pounds. Your thoughts race to the next worst-case scenario. You try to calm your thoughts but they continue to run loose, unfiltered and full of dread. It starts with fear and, left untreated, it can affect every area of your life.

Anxiety manifests itself in the lives of many. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, “Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, or 18.1% of the population every year.”

While this is a staggering statistic, less than half of those dealing with anxiety decide to reach out for help. The ADAA explains that “Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, yet only 36.9% of those suffering receive treatment.”

Although my anxiety went undiagnosed and untreated for much of my life, eventually, I realized that my frequent and intense stomachaches were not related to food intolerance or allergy. Instead, they were a symptom of anxiety that I have since learned to manage through therapy.

You, too, can obtain the tools you need to successfully manage your anxiety. If you find yourself experiencing frequent and overwhelming feelings of worry and fear, reach out to us for a free consultation. We would love to help you! 

Written by Lauren Smith Stevenson
Instagram: @laurensmithstevenson
Email: laurensmithstevenson@gmail.com

Signs of Depression in Adults

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PLEASE NOTE: this list is NOT intended to diagnose or treat you. See a licensed mental health provider or medical professional for proper diagnosis and treatment.

Most people get “the blues” sometimes that last a day or two. However, Major Depressive Disorder is a SERIOUS and often FATAL illness that occurs in approximately 6.7 percent of US adults. Medications can be helpful, but come with side effects that many people cannot tolerate. Medications will NOT cure the mistaken belief system causing the depression.

Without talk therapy to both uncover the root cause of the depression and learn ways to manage it, depression can persist despite medication. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, can help you uncover the beliefs you carry about life without even knowing it. These beliefs often contribute to depression below your level of awareness. Once uncovered, I can help you face and refute the irrational thoughts and replace them with healthy, logical thoughts.

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms on a frequent or daily basis, please contact me for a full professional evaluation:

1. sadness

2. pessimism

3. feeling like a failure

4. loss of pleasure

5. guilty feelings

6. punishment feelings

7. self-dislike

8. self-criticalness

9. suicidal thoughts or a sense of, It would be better if I  weren’t here*

10. crying, or unable to cry anymore

11. feeling agitated

12. no interest

13. hard to decide things

14. feeling worthless

15. no energy

16. sleep issues

17. irritable

18. appetite changes, up or down

19. can’t concentrate

20. fatigue

21. no sexual interest

(Adapted from the Beck Depression Inventory)

Taking that step to call me for an appointment is hard, but can be the best decision you ever make.

*IF YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL, CALL THE SUICIDE HOTLINE AT 1-800-273-8255 OR 911 IMMEDIATELY!

When the Holidays Aren't So Merry

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Oftentimes we find ourselves feeling down this time of year. The time changed, it’s getting dark earlier, and you’re feeling a little more isolated than you were just a few months earlier during the summer.

You are not alone. When you think of all of the people who are grieving and/or going through their first holiday season after divorce, widowhood, or the loss of a loved one, you realize that the memories can make the holidays more painful than happy at this time of year. Add to that the additional stress the season brings in the form of activities, shopping, and school events—well, you can see the problem. It’s like adding that last too-much drop of water to an already overflowing bucket.

What to do? If you are experiencing loss this time of year, your goal is this: to make it through. This is not the time to fill your chore list with handmade gifts (or gifts at all—who’s going to blame you this year?) or high stress dinners. If ever there was a time in your life to put you (and your children, if any) first, this is it. Exercise your “say-no” muscle with a firm and assertive smile and pass on committees, obligations, and entertaining. The people who might judge you—and believe me, there are fewer than you imagine—are simply not worth a second thought.

When the memories and tears come, allow them. What we resist, grows stronger, so don’t fight the feelings that arise. Tears actually expel cortisol, a stress hormone that is damaging to the body and needs to come out in order for you to be healthy.

Ask your friends and family for what you need this year, specifically. Do you need help making decisions on the children’s Christmas list? You probably have at least one friend who would love to help you. Do you need people to just listen to your grief without advising you? Tell them that you really just need an ear, not a response, from them.

These are just a few ideas; you know best what helps you stay strong. Just remember that you WILL make it through. Rest, heal, and wait for better days.