parenting

After School Talks: Communicating With Your Kids

With everyone’s kid headed back to school this month, similar conversations are happening in cars and at dinner tables all across the country, and they all sound about the same:


Parent:  What did you do at school today?

Kid:  Nothing

Parent:  Did anything exciting happen?

Kid:  No

Parnet:  Did you learn anything new?

Kid:  No


If you’re a parent, you are all too familiar with this exchange. And to be honest, the conversations you had with your own parents probably sounded similar, too. We all think the same thing:  How are they doing nothing and learning nothing all day long? And the truth of the matter is that we know it’s not true.  Our kids aren’t spending 8 hours at school doing nothing, talking to no one, and having no memorable moments. So then, how do we get our kids to open up more about their day? We want to be involved, engaged parents, but if they won’t tell us about their day at school, where do we even begin? You are not alone in feeling this way, but there are simple ways you can make your after school or dinner table conversations more meaningful for both you and your child. 


Establish a strong foundation of communication with your kids. Try to build rituals of communication early in your kids’ lives. Whether this looks like a daily time when you all sit down to eat together or nightly chats before bedtime, if your kids know that you’re going to ask about their lives, these school related conversations will seem like less of a surprise or change of character, and more like your regular routine. Be sure to tell your kids that you love hearing all about their day. Listen with patience and practice reflective communication early on. Even in those toddler and preschool years when their stories ramble, or don’t make a ton of sense, you’re setting the stage for the future. Show your kids that you’re always willing and eager to hear about what they have to say. 

Ask your children specific questions about their day rather than open-ended or generic ones. This may seem counterintuitive, but it really does work! Rather than asking your kids “How was your day?” or “What did you learn about today?” Ask them who they sat next to at lunch or who they played with at recess. These types of questions will allow them to give more specific answers that they KNOW the answer to rather than trying to find the “right” way to answer how their day went. Then, you have more opportunity to ask follow-up questions. 

Avoid purely academic conversations right when they get in the car or off the bus. Remember that your kids just spent about 6+ hours learning and processing new information. They may not be ready to talk about how their math test went or if they remembered to redo their quiz in history. To them it might feel similar to someone grilling you about work right after you walk in the door from a long day at the office. Especially if your child struggles with school, they may need and want time to decompress from school before they get into the nitty gritty of grades. It may also make them feel as though all you care about are their grades, even if that’s not the case at all.

Kids can be introverted, too, so keep in mind that their silence or hesitancy isn’t personal. If your child is more introverted, a school day can be emotionally and physically exhausting. Just like for adults who are more introverted in nature, interacting with their peers, talking all day, and being in a large group at school may drain your child’s social battery. If when they get into your car at pick up they’re grumpy or non-communicative, it may not even be about you at all. They may simply need time to sit in silence before they’re ready for more conversations and interactions. Talk with your kids about their needs in this regard by letting them know you care about their emotional needs. It can be as simple as saying, “I know school may be really tiring for you, so it’s okay if you need some space. Let’s talk about your day after we get home and you’ve had a snack.” 

Be fully present when talking with your kids. This is a great time of day to model listening for your child. It’s time to put your phone away, close your laptop for work, and really pay attention. Kids are observant, so if you’re asking them to tell you about their day, but constantly checking your phone, texting someone, or distracted by the TV, it won’t be long before they pick up on that and feel like you don’t really mean it when you say that you’re interested. 

These interactions with your children are truly some of the most important. It’s how you can learn more about what makes your kid who they are. What are their passions? What types of things make them laugh? Are they the kid including others on the playground, or do they maybe need help finding a friend? Are they truly enjoying the activities they’re involved in, or are they struggling to feel successful? Further, these conversations may help you identify potential warning signs for issues that need to be addressed in more detail at another time. 

If you’re struggling with communicating with your child in those after-school moments, know that you’re not alone! And if you need more help or guidance in communicating with your kids, please reach out to us at Rockwall Counseling and Wellness. We have so many loving, highly trained therapists and counselors who can help you in this area and get everyone in your family communicating openly and effectively!

Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

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Screen Time and Brain Development: How Social Media Affects Teens

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Social media comes with so many draws:  connection to others, entertainment, feeling included in the world around us, but because of their still-developing brains, adolescents and teens are at much higher risk of dealing with the negative side effects of excessive social media use. On May 23, 2023, the Surgeon General’s office released a new advisory regarding the links between extensive social media use and mental health in teenagers. The Department of Health and Human Services issued a summary of the report which you can find here. And while we all probably know, at least to a degree, that social media use can negatively impact our own mental health, the statistics about social media use in teenagers are alarming. 95% of young people report using social media regularly, and 46% say they’re on it “almost constantly.” As parents and role models in the lives of young people, it is important that we understand the consequences of social media use and help the young people in our lives understand this as well. 

TAKEAWAYS FROM THE SURGEON GENERAL’S REPORT

Concerns for brain development. At the ages of 10-19, the human brain is at a crucial time for development. Scientists argue that outside of the first four years of life, this time period is the most important for humans as we learn to make sound choices outside of our parent figures. During this time, our brains are being hardwired for the future, and it is also the time at which mental health problems such as depression and anxiety can first occur. Adolescents are forming their self-image and self-worth for the first time, so you can imagine the negative impact that highly curated, highly filtered images and videos would have on their growing brains. Frequent social media exposure has been shown to negatively impact the areas of the brain that control emotional regulation, impulse control, and regulating social behavior. It can also create high sensitivity to social punishments and rewards. Essentially, adolescent brains are learning how to function socially and how to control impulses and emotions. Because social media operates in ways that are counter to the healthy patterns of real society, the sponge-like brains of adolescents learn the patterns of social media rather than the correct, healthy ways to deal with emotions, conflict, and impulses, creating an environment in which it’s difficult to have a mentally healthy approach to life. 

Concerns for content exposure. While as parents we may work hard to filter out potentially harmful content from our children’s consumption, when they have access to social media, they have access to a wide range of harmful content. The Surgeon General’s report found that children and adolescents regularly using social media were exposed to images and videos related to self harm, suicide, and other risky behaviors that exacerbate mental health issues in teens already experiencing concerns such as anxiety and depression. Additionally, comparison driven body image issues are a huge concern. Social media is often highly filtered, with users cropping images or using AI filters to make their appearance different. When teens are exposed to this, they gain a distorted view of their own bodies and appearances. One study showed that, when asked about the impact of social media on their body image, 46% said it negatively impacted their view of themselves. This has been subsequently linked to disordered eating, anxiety, and depression in teens who aspire to be more like the images they consume. Finally, many teens report being exposed to hate speech, bullying, harassment, and predatory behaviors on social media platforms, and while you might think this would mean teens want to use social media less, they’re actually using it more and more. 

Concerns for excessive use. Social media platforms are designed to keep users online and scrolling. Algorithms are intended to show users more and more of what they engage with. Because teenagers struggle with self-regulation and impulse control, they are the perfect candidates for social media apps to create habits and even addictions in. In a nationwide survey looking at girls ages 11-15, 30% or more said they felt “addicted” to social media. And with a similar number of teens reporting that they were up past midnight using social media on a typical weekday, they’re also not getting adequate sleep. Poor or insufficient sleep is also directly related to mental wellness, meaning that as teens pour through social media feeds, being exposed to harsh images, unattainable body ideals, bullying, and other harmful content, they’re also depriving their brains of sleep, further deepening the harm caused by social media. 

WHAT CAN PARENTS AND CAREGIVERS DO.

We are not powerless in helping young people deal with the struggles of social media. In fact, we are duty-bound to protect them as best we can by doing the following:

  • Keep kids off social media if at all possible. If they’re already on it, have a conversation about these dangers and how they feel about their social media use. It may not be comfortable, but it is very necessary.

    • If you’re interested in phones for your kids that are safer alternatives to traditional smart phones, but still give them the apps they need, ability to call you in an emergency, or socialize safely with friends, check out Pinwheel phones, or Gabb Wireless phones!

  • Create a family plan for social media use and model responsible behavior. It’s really hard to ask your teen to stay off their phones during the evenings if you’re on yours. 

  • Foster in-person friendships. Teens often replace face-to-face conversations and friendships with those they’ve built online. Ask your kids if they want to meet up with friends to see a movie or do another activity, and then be willing to give them a ride. 

  • Report cyberbullying and abuse not just to the platform but also to the school if it involves a classmate, or to the proper authorities. 

  • Work with other parents to foster healthy technology use. The more families in your kids’ circles who have similar views on social media, the easier it will be for them to have healthy boundaries around the technology. 

  • Seek professional help if your teen is struggling with their mental health because of social media use. We have several professionals in Rockwall and Heath who specialize in working with teens and would love the privilege of helping your child. 

Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

When the Kids Grow Up: Rebuilding Broken Relationships

Broken relationships. This phrase is one none of us want to hear, but one of the relationships we least want to see broken is the relationship we have with our children. As we have delved into understanding the dynamics of relationships between adult children and their parents, we’ve addressed how to lay a foundation that avoids serious rifts in the future as well as what happens when a child’s decisions cause them to go wayward. The final aspect of this series looks at rebuilding a broken relationship with your adult child. And although the obvious goal is to avoid this separation altogether, realistically, when two humans interact with one another, neither is perfect; hurt can occur, regardless of how the two people are connected to each other. This means that parents and children can and will have conflict, too. 

But this doesn’t mean that hope is at all lost if you and your child have a strained relationship. Just as with a marriage or friendship that encounters difficulty, you can work with your child to rebuild trust, honesty, and communication when you have a broken relationship with them. It will take work on both of your parts, and it may require professional help. But with commitment to a positive outcome and clear communication, you can work to rebuild your relationship with a wayward child. 

Start conflict resolution from a healthy place. One of the first steps you should take is determining if all parties are capable of moving forward toward a better relationship than what you’ve had in the past. If you have had serious conflict with your child because of life choices he or she has made, you may not be willing to engage in rebuilding a relationship with them until they’ve corrected the errors they’ve made or gotten set on a better path. For example, if your child broke your trust by abusing drugs or alcohol, you may need to make sure they’re working on their own sobriety before attempting to rebuild. The reverse is also true. If you have mistakes you should account for, such as infidelity with your child’s other parent, or anger issues of your own you need to be willing to take responsibility for the hurt this may have caused your child. 

Set yourself up for success in communication. One of the ways you may have fallen out with your adult child is refusal to communicate for one reason or another. It could be that your adult child disagrees with you about the way they have chosen to parent and in setting a boundary communicates with you less and less, or you could have told a wayward adult child that you won’t engage in communication with them while they are still in active rebellion. Whatever the reason for lack of communication, if you’re working on rebuilding trust, open communication is vital. Talk with your adult child about when and how you both want to communicate with one another. Is text messaging better because it can be reciprocated easily? Or are face to face conversations easier because tone doesn’t have to be inferred? Do other people, such as their partner or spouse, need to be included in the communication? Be respectful of one another’s time, and remember that it’s okay to start small and work your way to bigger, heavier topics if you have been out of touch for a longer period of time. 

Remember that respect and boundaries should be exhibited by both you and your child. Boundaries and respect are crucial parts of any healthy relationship. If you are working to rebuild a broken relationship with your adult child, ask them up front what boundaries they feel are important and be sure to communicate which boundaries are important to you. By discussing these things initially, it is easier to hold a boundary if it is violated. For example, if you cannot be a part of your adult child’s risky or dangerous choices, let them know this from the start, so it doesn’t feel as much like an ambush to them if the boundary has to be held. Additionally, this concept goes both ways. Be willing to listen to the boundaries your adult child sets and respect the ways they are protecting their own mental and emotional well-being. 


Willingness to accept responsibility for mistakes can go a long way in repairing a broken relationship. If you and your adult child have come to a point at which you’re both ready to reconnect, they may have done work themselves in understanding unhealthy patterns in relationships as well as the formative experiences that molded their world view. As much as you may want your adult child to take accountability for his or her actions, if they come to you with openness and honesty about a hurt you inflicted upon them, it is important to hear them, acknowledge your own wrongdoing, and ask for forgiveness. We cannot expect our adult children to apologize for their mistakes if we are unwilling to do so. 


Bringing in a neutral, highly-trained, third party can be beneficial for everyone. Family counseling is not just for families with young children. Broken relationships with adult children can benefit greatly from working with a licensed counselor. This professional can help you understand your adult child’s needs and create a new relationship for you in this new phase of life. 

Having adult children is a unique path to navigate. It can be difficult to deal with conflict and wayward behavior in adult children because, unlike our young children, they have the freedom to do as they please and remove themselves from our homes. As much as we want to continue to have our children in our lives as they grow into adulthood, it’s not required, and it can be difficult if there has been a strained relationship. If you are seeking help to work on rebuilding a relationship with your adult child or you are looking to avoid current family difficulties becoming worse, click the link below to connect with a counselor from Rockwall Counseling and Wellness today. 

Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

When the Kids Grow Up: Parenting Adult Wayward Children

The anecdotes are ones we’ve heard before. We may have witnessed it with a sibling or family member, or even ourselves. We’ve seen friends go through the struggle - wayward adult children. The grown up kid whose decisions aren’t keeping them safe, whose lifestyle has veered drastically from the way they were raised. 

No one wants to think about the possibility of having a significant falling out with an adult child. It’s one thing, and it’s even expected, to have disagreements, difficult conversations, and tough stretches when your kids are young. But when children grow up, leave our homes, and become independent, their decisions are no longer ours to guide. Nevertheless, we still are their parents. We want what’s best for them. We want them to avoid harm. We want them to want and need our advice and input; it’s only natural. In reality, they may not need it, and they may not want it. Whatever the situation is that leads to a wayward adult child - money decisions, a relationship you feel is harmful, substance abuse, walking away from religion - there are important things for you the parent to keep in mind that will allow you to have peace and continue to seek a stable relationship with your adult child. 

Your wayward child’s decisions are not your fault. While there may be many factors at play in your adult child’s world, some of which could come from childhood experiences, the choices they make are ultimately their own. If they are adults and have chosen to live out of your home, you cannot control the choices they make. 

You can and should set boundaries for yourself. If a wayward child is treating you disrespectfully, you do not have to engage in that conversation. As hard as it may be, you can tell your child, “I will not participate in a conversation where I am called names. So, if you choose to do that, I will not be engaging in this discussion.” Remember, boundaries are set to protect yourself, not to punish others. 

A person’s unkindness often speaks more to hurt they are experiencing than a desire to hurt someone else. If your child is lashing out at you, it’s likely not because of something specific you did, but, much like a tantrum in a young child, is actually about something much bigger. For example, if you have expressed disapproval of your adult child’s relationship, and they choose to speak in a hurtful way to you, your disapproval may be causing them insecurity. 

Enabling someone is not loving. One of the hardest things parents of wayward children face is knowing when they cross the line from helping their child into enabling their child. Although this most often happens with parents whose children engage in substance abuse, it can also happen when adult children mismanage money or make other drastic, poor choices. We all want our children to be safe, but protecting them from the natural consequences of their adult decisions may only make matters worse in the long run. Knowing this balance is delicate, and it will look different for every family depending on the circumstances. A good question to ask yourself may be this, “Is the help I’m giving my wayward child causing other members of my family or myself to be in an unsafe situation or to lose something important?” If the answer is yes, you may want to consider if you’re helping or enabling. 

You can love your child infinitely, and choose to disengage from dangerous behavior. As uncomfortable as it may be, if you have an adult child engaging in illegal or dangerous behavior, it is more loving to set a boundary and not be party to that activity. 

When communicating with your wayward child, focus on your love for them rather than how their behavior or choices make you feel. At the end of the day, your wayward child is still the person you raised. You still love them. This is the basis for all your concern, all your worry, and all your pain. And it should be the focus of what you tell them. You don’t have to see eye-to-eye for your child to know that they are loved. 

Even if your child is not interested in counseling, you can benefit from seeking outside help. While working with a counselor may be beneficial for your wayward child, they may not see things that way initially. However, you, your spouse, and other members of your family may benefit from seeing a counselor to talk through what is going on in your family. Having a wayward child is emotionally taxing and can even be traumatizing. By focusing on your own mental health and wellness, you can be better prepared to set those boundaries and to have difficult conversations with your child when they arise. If you are struggling with a parenting an adult child, or are interested in other counseling services, click the link below to find a counselor at one of our Rockwall or Heath locations today!

Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

When the Kids Grow Up: Laying Foundations for Children to Fly

Parents all know that the time is coming eventually. We are made aware of the limited time we have with our kids when we bring them home from the hospital. Eighteen years. Thirteen school breaks. A limited number of weekends. That precious time we have to help mold and guide our children into who they will become is so limited. We spend childhood and adolescence teaching them to make choices, building their character, cheering them onward.  Whether our children leave home at eighteen to go off to college, start a career, or even stay at home for a while as adults, a shift occurs when our children become adults that must be acknowledged. And while experts say it shouldn’t be one distinct moment when our children go from completely dependent on us to completely independent, the transition can be difficult for everyone if there is not a foundation of trust, understanding, clear boundaries and expectations, and of course love. It doesn’t have to be a scary time of unknown for you or your child, if you take some crucial steps throughout your parenting. 

  1. Start early in explaining to your kids why their independence is important to you. One of the best ways for children to be prepared for independence is for them to be given independence early on in life. This can be done in developmentally appropriate ways as your children grow up. It may look like allowing your toddler to pick his or her own clothing or telling your elementary school child that she is responsible for packing her own backpack for school. When your child becomes a teenager, they can start making their own haircut or dentist appointments, filling out their paperwork for school, (minus your signature of course!) and making their own choices about extra-curricular activities and courses to take. If your child struggles with wanting to do these things independently or wanting your help in ways that are not healthy, help them understand that you want them to be able to make their own choices and manage their own needs eventually. Remind them they are competent and capable with your actions and your trust of them. It’s always better for our kids to make a mistake while we can help them understand and cope with the consequences of that mistake than for the first time they mess up to be outside of the safety of our care. 

  2. Help your children to know they can always trust you with their concerns and worries. One way to ensure that your children will continue to come to you for advice and counsel even as adults is to be trustworthy with them from a young age. If your kindergartener comes to you upset about a friend’s mean words, make sure to affirm how your child feels and talk with him or her about what happened. If your teen wants to talk about a budding romantic relationship and asks you to keep something in confidence, don’t break their trust by telling people outside of your family about what they said. Your child should know that your word can be trusted and that while you won’t keep a secret (say from their other parent or that could cause harm) you won’t break their trust. This will build a foundation for their future where as adults, they can come to you with bigger questions and worries, knowing that you will not break their trust and that your advice is given in wisdom and truth. 

  3. Give your child boundaries for your relationship with them and help them learn to form boundaries for themselves. One of the most crucial ways we can help prepare our children for independence is to teach them how to have healthy relationships with others and to protect their own mental well-being. A solid foundation for this is to teach your children about boundaries within relationships. You can read more about setting boundaries in our blog post on the topic. 

  4. Respect your children’s decisions when they make a wise choice, even if it’s not the choice you might have made for yourself. As their kids become teenagers and adults, parents can often struggle with understanding why their children choose different paths than they might themselves have taken. This can lead to questioning your child’s choices or even criticizing their decision making skills. While it may seem like it’s your place to comment on your older child’s choice in college, career path, or choice of partner, this commentary can be damaging if it’s not done in the right way.  If your child is not unsafe, it’s important to be careful and purposeful in how you talk with them about their life choices. For example, if your teenager decides to take a year between high school and college to work and figure out exactly where they would like to go to school and what to study, you may feel like they shouldn’t do this, especially if it wasn’t your path. But if they have logical reasons, they’re not hurting anyone, and they have a clear plan, try to be hands-off. It may help your relationship in the long-run because you’ve trusted their judgment. 

Overall, parenting older children can be tricky. It is a balance between offering guide rails while also allowing them to “fail safely.” We all want to continue to have strong relationships as our children age into adulthood, and maintaining trust and communication are vital to this. 

In the upcoming weeks, we will be expanding on this idea, so be sure to come back to the blog to learn more about parenting adult children! In the meantime, if you want to learn more about building relationships with your kids, or need help with a difficult parenting or family situation, click the link below to connect with one of our Rockwall or Heath counselors that specialize in family or teen counseling. 

Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

Helping Teens Develop Healthy Relationships

As adults, we all remember our first boyfriend or girlfriend. Depending on how we define this type of romantic interaction, you may think about the boy who held your hand on the playground in fourth grade, or you may think of the girl you “went out with” in seventh grade, but…you never actually spoke to. For most of us, this first relationship was probably filled with a lot of “puppy love,” and we probably look back at how awkward we were, and cringe with utter embarrassment, I know I do. But the reality is, that if you have a kid between the ages of 11 and 18, they’re probably already thinking about “dating” or their classmates may be. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, the average age at which teens start dating is 12.5 for girls and 13.5 for boys. Dating and romantic relationships will happen, and it is a natural part of kids growing up and gaining more independence. So, as a parent, what are the things you need to know to keep your teen safe,  both physically and emotionally, as they enter a phase of life where they’re interacting with their peers romantically? 

HOW TO ENTER RELATIONSHIPS

Before your child starts dating, talk as a family about the rules and expectations.
Rules, restrictions, boundaries, expectations. Whatever verbiage you use as a family, it is important that before your child enters a romantic relationship, they know what you expect from them, and the consequences if they break these boundaries. For example, maybe you want there to always be an adult present when your teen is with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Make this expectation clear, and then be willing to be the adult present. Give your child the resources they need to be in a relationship within your boundaries. 

Model and openly discuss how they should be treated in a relationship as well as how they should treat the other person. This is such an easy yet important thing to do. It can be as simple as making a point of when your spouse treats you the way you want your child to be treated. Statements like, “I love that your dad knew I had a bad day and brought home flowers. He really understands that receiving gifts is my love language, and it made me feel so valued,” or, “Your mom is such a great listener. I’ve always valued that she really hears what I have to say and helps me work through things” shows your child what they should value in a partner and reinforces that strong relationships are built on trust and respect.

Work to get to know the person your child is interested in dating. Rather than the Hollywood-ized version of teen dating in which parents are cold or even unkind to their child’s boyfriend or girlfriend (though boyfriends seem to get the brunt of this fictitious rage) ask your child questions about the person they’re “talking to.” What are their interests? What is their family life like? What do they participate in at school? If you feel comfortable, invite them along for a family outing like to church or the movies. This can take away the secrecy that teen romances often operate in and it shows your child that they’re not bad kids for dating, so long as they respect the boundaries your family has in place. 

SAFETY IN RELATIONSHIPS

It may seem uncomfortable to talk with your pre-teen or teenager about physical safety in relationships, but the reality is that one in four adolescents report verbal, physical, emotional or sexual violence each year. Just as with adults, these incidents have long-lasting negative impacts. None of us want our children to go through this. It’s scary to think about, but know that you can empower your child to have safe, healthy relationships now and in the future.

Keep open communication with your child. By setting a strong foundation of communication between you and your child, you can make sure that any time they are uncomfortable, they know they can come to you without judgment or accusation. This may be the first and best step you can take to keeping your child safe in many situations, but especially in dating.

Help your child know how to communicate in a healthy relationship. By the time our children reach dating age, they should have seen, from us, how to talk to and interact with someone, even in conflict. Modeling this for kids at an early age can help them identify and disengage from unhealthy conflict when they see it in their own relationships. 

Know the warning signs of relational abuse. Again this isn’t something as parents that we ever want to think about, but it is so important to know what to look for as your child starts to have relationships with people outside of your family unit, whether these are friends or boyfriends and girlfriends. If your teen is withdrawn from their normal activities, is abandoning other friendships, keeping secrets, or becomes defensive about their romantic relationship, it may be time to have a conversation about the relationship. 

Seek professional help if needed. If your child has experienced a negative relationship in any way, it can be incredibly helpful to reach out to a counselor to help them process what they’ve gone through and learn how to have healthier relationships in the future. 

The dating world is so different today than it was even just ten years ago. The access young people have to smartphones, the internet, and a thousand different secrecy driven apps may make you feel like you’re fighting a losing battle when it comes to your teenager’s dating life. It doesn’t have to feel this way. Truly. Start early talking with your kids about dating relationships, respect, healthy communication, and boundaries, and you will be setting them up for a successful dating life that they feel comfortable talking with you about. If you feel you or your teen need help with any of these things, check out our link below to find a counselor that can give you and your kids tools for safe, healthy dating.

By Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

Gentle Parenting Basic

Lately online you may have seen a “new trend” in parenting that’s gotten a lot of attention. “Gentle parenting” or “responsive parenting” is not necessarily new in the sense that it’s based on child development research from over 50 years ago. However, it is making the rounds on parenting blogs, social media and other outlets. The term “gentle parenting” may conjure up scenarios in your mind of parents being bulldozed by tantrum-throwing toddlers, but in reality, it is much different than this, and if your child is struggling with tantrums, following instructions, or decision making, gentle parenting could be an approach that helps your family dynamic.

What is gentle parenting? 

According to the Cleveland Clinic, gentle parenting is a parenting style in which the goal is to raise children to be independent, respectful, and confident by focusing on empathy, respect, and healthy boundaries. Gentle parenting has three main components:  developmentally appropriate emotional coaching, prioritizing empathy over reward/punishment, and intentional parent responses. 

Gentle parenting focuses a great deal on building empathy. If your child can understand why you have certain expectations for him or her, they’re more likely to follow instructions and have a healthy respect for you, rather than obedience based only on fear. For example, if your daughter is throwing a tantrum when you need her to put on her shoes, the traditional parenting approach, or even just instinct, might be to raise your voice and say, “Put your shoes on right now! Don’t you understand we’re going to be late?!” And the truth is, your child likely doesn’t understand the anxiety it causes you to be late. Nor do they grasp that their actions, throwing a tantrum and refusing to put on shoes, is upsetting to you. They may listen to shouting or demands, but it ultimately is only a response out of fear. Gentle parenting takes more time. In the same situation, parents practicing a gentle parenting style would prepare the child ahead of time, explaining why it is important to be on time and setting clear expectations of what should happen when you get ready to leave the house. 

Gentle parenting is similar to coaching in that with a gentle approach, parents work with their children to help them identify their emotions and come up with a plan for when big feelings arise. Children are learning how to be people. Just as they must have models for how to tie their shoes, ride a bike, or throw a ball, they must also have models for how to deal with emotions. For example, if your teenager is talking back and taking a poor attitude with you, there is likely a bigger reason. Rather than matching their shouting or rude language, or simply punishing the teen, gentle parenting helps the child process his own emotions while still setting clear boundaries. It might sound something like, “I can tell that you’re really upset by whatever happened at practice today, and that’s okay. I’m going to give you some space if you’d like, and then we can talk about why you felt so overwhelmed.” Then when they’ve had time to cool down, reminding them that their emotions are not an excuse for being unkind or disrespectful and that there are consequences for when they do this.

What is gentle parenting NOT?

Gentle parenting is often mistaken for or incorrectly labeled “permissive parenting,” but gentle parenting does not excuse or allow behaviors. Rather, it helps children understand why some behaviors are not allowed. Being a “gentle parent” doesn’t mean you have to be your kid’s buddy or that you’ll have unruly children. Gentle parents still have consequences for their children. But rather than “Because I said so” type logic for punishments, parents can explain the consequence as a result of a boundary or rule violation. When parents are clear with their communication, punishments make sense to kids as a result of their own choices rather than arbitrarily decided by parents. 

Gentle parenting is also not helicopter parenting. While gentle parents do work closely with their children to help them understand and process their own emotions, they do not do this work for them. They don’t keep children from making mistakes but rather, help children realize that mistakes and failures are part of life, and that they are not defined by mistakes. 

So what if I want to become a gentler parent?

Gentle parenting is time consuming, and it does require that parents themselves be emotionally healthy and have worked to heal from past trauma that might affect the way they parent. It also requires that parents are conscientious of what triggers an unhealthy emotional response in themselves and be able to step back and interact with their children from a calm space rather than a reactive one. However, it can also strengthen relationships amongst your family members and bring more calm to your household. If you feel you need help with this or other parenting topics, check the link below to connect with one of our counselors in Rockwall or Heath who specialize in family counseling and parenting.

Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer